Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
