I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
