Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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