I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
