y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
