cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
