dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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