Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
