Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
