Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
