omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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