Screwed.edu
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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