this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
