This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize