he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
