he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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