Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
