Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize