How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just invented taco cereal.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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