I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
