i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
