just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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