I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
