My hand turned me down
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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