I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's shark week go big or go home
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
