Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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