I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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