I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
