He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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