dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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