There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
