proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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