Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
