When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I can't put those talents on a resume
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
