apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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