i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
