Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
