so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize