dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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