hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
