I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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