Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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