My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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