i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
