You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
