escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
