i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
