y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
