you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
