I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
