my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
