I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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