we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize