OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
