You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
