Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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