it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
this is an emotional support booty call
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
