It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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