Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
