I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
