hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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