Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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