even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
