Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
