Is it normal to miss your booty call?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
