so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
