so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
