All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
