i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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