just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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