You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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