I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
