shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize